Testimony

 Alexandria Nicole Herbert

10/19/2010 - 11/29/2020

Our Brave, Beautiful, Kind, Happy girl passed away this morning.

As I think about my daughter's life I'd love to share my testimony (written a couple weeks ago).

It was 2015 when my daughter, Ali, was diagnosed with Leukemia. I'll never forget that night when our whole entire world came crashing down. I was scared, felt completely helpless and wanted so badly to somehow change the course we were now facing!

The next night, the bishop from our church and his counselor came up and administered a blessing to Ali. After the blessing, the first counselor spoke, telling us that he had a very strong feeling that this was the road Ali needed to go down but she would be ok. Those words rang Over and Over in my head the whole entire time she went through the 2.5 years of treatment. In June 2017, Ali rang the no more chemo bell and she was declared cancer free! I remember thinking of those words promised and my heart was filled with so much gratitude!

Unfortunately,10 months later we found out the cancer had returned. My heart was shattered. I couldn't understand why this trial was asked of us yet again! Were we not faithful enough? What did we not learn that we needed to learn now? Why was this happening? I quickly requested my husband give Ali a priesthood blessing. Hoping I would receive the same confirmation that all would be well. But this was not the case. After the blessing was given, Jess talked to me privately telling me that he had a horrible feeling that Ali was not going to make it. He said he felt very strongly that she was very important to Heavenly Father and that He needed her home. I was crushed. And confused. I felt every emotion you could feel, but mostly denial. Later, I decided that as her mother, I had the right to feel if that feeling were true! So I asked...and I didn't get a straight answer. I only got the feeling of hope, so I clung to that feeling as tight as I could.

Ali began chemotherapy again. Her now beautifully grown out hair fell out once again. Watching her in pain was excruciating. Each night in the hospital I played church songs until we would both fall asleep. I needed to feel Him close and know that He was in every detail. Every night I would cry out to Him and every single night, He came. The spirit would fill our room like no other feeling in the world. Although our circumstances were not changed, I could feel Him there right beside us.

After a month, we learned that the chemotherapy was not working. The leukemia was aggressive and we needed to try something else. A little voice reminded me of the words my husband uttered just weeks before. "Nope," I would say to myself and I kept pushing on. We proceeded with a trial drug which ended up putting Ali into remission! "Yes! There is hope!" But a few months later, the trial drug stopped working and Ali needed more treatment. There was that little voice again. I begged Heavenly Father for more time. "Please, just give us more time...don't take her yet."

Next was a bone marrow transplant. This was what felt like an unattainable battle as we found out that out of a world wide registry, Ali had not 1 perfect match. How could we get through this? Is this what was going to take her home to heaven? We proceeded on with faith and with myself being her donor as a half match. Ali did great! Miracle after miracle was given. But then again, a few months later, the cancer was back. The doctors gave us another option of a trial out of state. We said yes and for 1.5 more years, the same pattern followed...remission, hope, relapse, heartbreak. Six relapses later, we knew her body could not endure anything more. We knew that we had done everything medically possible to help her but ultimately, what was felt in that blessing years ago was true. Ali is very important to Heavenly Father and He needs her home.

This has been extremely hard for me to prepare for. You see, Ali is my best little friend. She is kind, happy, thoughtful, caring, and has the sweetest smile I've ever seen. The only way I can cope with knowing that my little girl won't be here on this Earth with me for much longer is knowing that there is a bigger purpose.

Through these years of trials, I have SEARCHED for understanding and answers. With that searching, I have found my Savior. Every time. He is there. Holding my hand. Walking through these trenches with me.

As I prepared for this October General Conference, I was laying next to Ali's hospital bed. I prayed to Heavenly Father that I would feel the spirit and have peace about Ali. The very first talk was given by Elder Bednar. In his talk he spoke about a missionary who had suddenly died and spoke of what his parents had said at his funeral. "He forthrightly declared that he personally did not understand the reasons or timing for such an event. But I will always remember this good man declaring that he knew God knew the reasons and timing for the passing of his child- and that was good enough for him."

I will NEVER forget the feeling that came across me when I heard those words. For I feel the same way. I do not understand...but I know that HE knows and that is good enough for me. I trust Him with my whole heart. He has been good EVEN WHEN life is hard. He has been merciful EVEN WHEN life seems so unfair. He has been loving and understanding and has given me EVERYTHING I have asked for and more in so many ways. How could I not trust Him? He is my HOPE. He is what I cling to when I feel as though I cannot go on.

I bear my testimony to you that I know He lives. I know He is aware of us. He hears us!! I know that through the atonement, the restoration can work in my life as well and all things broken can be made whole again. You can have Hope in this life because of Him!

#iwanttobelikeali

#familiesareforever