Answers to Prayers

For years, thousands of people prayed for Ali to get better, so why was that prayer not answered? Or was it? I wanted to share just some of the prayers that were answered for me. 

After Ali’s first relapse, I felt in my heart that Ali was needed home in Heaven. Why was she needed? I do not know. Perhaps she was just too perfect for this world and she didn’t need to learn and grow as much as the rest of us. Perhaps she needed to help others who have already passed or watch over those here on Earth with more ability to help without the physical restraints of a body.

As gut wrenching as this feeling was, it changed the way I prayed. I prayed I would be able to keep her with me, but tried to accept that His will be done. One of the biggest things I prayed for was more time. I prayed that if Heavenly Father needed her home, He wouldn’t take her until the absolute last second that needed her there. 

It was June 2019 when Ali was in the hospital awaiting her Car T cells to be made. The lab had made an error in processing time and what should have been a week turned into six weeks of waiting! At the time, Ali’s body was consumed with leukemia cells. I had no idea how she would be able to hold on. 

Ali had always been very involved in her fight. Never once did we ask her to keep fighting solely for our purpose. We made it very clear that we would fight with her and help her in any way she needed. That day, a member of the palliative care team came in to talk with me. She told me that even if Ali pulled through, I need to ask myself the question, “at what point do you choose quality of life over quantity”. In her opinion, she didn’t feel like I should put Ali through any more treatment. This was one of the hardest conversations. It just didn’t feel right to me.  For some reason, even though I saw the state my daughter was in, my gut told me that this wasn’t the end and we needed to push on. 

I remember praying that night, telling Heavenly Father what was in my heart and what I was feeling. I pleaded with Him that if pushing forward was right, he would bless me with more time. Although I knew the possibility of her outcome, I wasn’t ready yet to let her go.

July 1st, Ali was life flighted to the hospital where her cells were finally ready for her. Within a month, she was declared cancer free for the fifth time!

Although the leukemia didn’t stay away forever, we were given so much more time. Exactly what I had asked for. It reaffirmed to me that it is ok to ask for things. It is ok to plead with your Heavenly Father. He is your Father and WANTS to bless you. 

When she was admitted in September for sepsis, I prayed that she would be able to go home and spend more time with her family and those she loved. I didn’t want her to die in a hospital. Three weeks later, her organs were miraculously healing and she was able to go home where she spent five more weeks with her family. 

Time and time again I have been shown that if your desires are righteous and you are willing to accept His will regardless, He will answer your prayers as any loving Heavenly parent would. 

I really could go on and on about small yet mighty prayers that were answered. Some prayers where I couldn’t find something I needed. I would pray that He would help me and I’d look up and there it was! Some prayers where I felt alone. A knock on my door came with a note from a neighbor saying how much I was loved. Through these answers, I have developed a relationship with my Father in Heaven. I have learned that He is there. Always. 

I remember the night she passed away. It was one of the most excruciating nights of my life. Watching her struggle to breathe and knowing the end was near was incredibly emotional and painful. My husband and I didn’t know how long it would last as the hospice nurses told us it could be days. 

I prayed to Heavenly Father that if he were to take her, that He would take her before the kids woke up. I didn’t want them to see her this bad and wanted to shield them from any unnecessary pain. As the night continued, I humbly told my Father in Heaven that I trust Him. I trust Him in all things, including His timing. 

Ali passed away at 6:50 AM. Right before the kids were to wake up. Everything I had asked for. 

Although this journey has been one of the hardest roads I’ve ever walked, filled with unmeasurable pain, it has brought me closer to Him. I have felt joy in knowing that my prayers have been heard! That He hears me and loves me. He has taught me that it is ok to turn to Him. That I can trust Him! Sometimes prayers aren’t answered the way we want, or when we want, but as Elder Jeffery R. Holland has said, “they are always answered at the time and in the way an omniscient and eternally compassionate parent should answer them.”