Answers to Prayers

For years, thousands of people prayed for Ali to get better, so why was that prayer not answered? Or was it? I wanted to share just some of the prayers that were answered for me. 

After Ali’s first relapse, I felt in my heart that Ali was needed home in Heaven. Why was she needed? I do not know. Perhaps she was just too perfect for this world and she didn’t need to learn and grow as much as the rest of us. Perhaps she needed to help others who have already passed or watch over those here on Earth with more ability to help without the physical restraints of a body.

As gut wrenching as this feeling was, it changed the way I prayed. I prayed I would be able to keep her with me, but tried to accept that His will be done. One of the biggest things I prayed for was more time. I prayed that if Heavenly Father needed her home, He wouldn’t take her until the absolute last second that needed her there. 

It was June 2019 when Ali was in the hospital awaiting her Car T cells to be made. The lab had made an error in processing time and what should have been a week turned into six weeks of waiting! At the time, Ali’s body was consumed with leukemia cells. I had no idea how she would be able to hold on. 

Ali had always been very involved in her fight. Never once did we ask her to keep fighting solely for our purpose. We made it very clear that we would fight with her and help her in any way she needed. That day, a member of the palliative care team came in to talk with me. She told me that even if Ali pulled through, I need to ask myself the question, “at what point do you choose quality of life over quantity”. In her opinion, she didn’t feel like I should put Ali through any more treatment. This was one of the hardest conversations. It just didn’t feel right to me.  For some reason, even though I saw the state my daughter was in, my gut told me that this wasn’t the end and we needed to push on. 

I remember praying that night, telling Heavenly Father what was in my heart and what I was feeling. I pleaded with Him that if pushing forward was right, he would bless me with more time. Although I knew the possibility of her outcome, I wasn’t ready yet to let her go.

July 1st, Ali was life flighted to the hospital where her cells were finally ready for her. Within a month, she was declared cancer free for the fifth time!

Although the leukemia didn’t stay away forever, we were given so much more time. Exactly what I had asked for. It reaffirmed to me that it is ok to ask for things. It is ok to plead with your Heavenly Father. He is your Father and WANTS to bless you. 

When she was admitted in September for sepsis, I prayed that she would be able to go home and spend more time with her family and those she loved. I didn’t want her to die in a hospital. Three weeks later, her organs were miraculously healing and she was able to go home where she spent five more weeks with her family. 

Time and time again I have been shown that if your desires are righteous and you are willing to accept His will regardless, He will answer your prayers as any loving Heavenly parent would. 

I really could go on and on about small yet mighty prayers that were answered. Some prayers where I couldn’t find something I needed. I would pray that He would help me and I’d look up and there it was! Some prayers where I felt alone. A knock on my door came with a note from a neighbor saying how much I was loved. Through these answers, I have developed a relationship with my Father in Heaven. I have learned that He is there. Always. 

I remember the night she passed away. It was one of the most excruciating nights of my life. Watching her struggle to breathe and knowing the end was near was incredibly emotional and painful. My husband and I didn’t know how long it would last as the hospice nurses told us it could be days. 

I prayed to Heavenly Father that if he were to take her, that He would take her before the kids woke up. I didn’t want them to see her this bad and wanted to shield them from any unnecessary pain. As the night continued, I humbly told my Father in Heaven that I trust Him. I trust Him in all things, including His timing. 

Ali passed away at 6:50 AM. Right before the kids were to wake up. Everything I had asked for. 

Although this journey has been one of the hardest roads I’ve ever walked, filled with unmeasurable pain, it has brought me closer to Him. I have felt joy in knowing that my prayers have been heard! That He hears me and loves me. He has taught me that it is ok to turn to Him. That I can trust Him! Sometimes prayers aren’t answered the way we want, or when we want, but as Elder Jeffery R. Holland has said, “they are always answered at the time and in the way an omniscient and eternally compassionate parent should answer them.”

Testimony

 Alexandria Nicole Herbert

10/19/2010 - 11/29/2020

Our Brave, Beautiful, Kind, Happy girl passed away this morning.

As I think about my daughter's life I'd love to share my testimony (written a couple weeks ago).

It was 2015 when my daughter, Ali, was diagnosed with Leukemia. I'll never forget that night when our whole entire world came crashing down. I was scared, felt completely helpless and wanted so badly to somehow change the course we were now facing!

The next night, the bishop from our church and his counselor came up and administered a blessing to Ali. After the blessing, the first counselor spoke, telling us that he had a very strong feeling that this was the road Ali needed to go down but she would be ok. Those words rang Over and Over in my head the whole entire time she went through the 2.5 years of treatment. In June 2017, Ali rang the no more chemo bell and she was declared cancer free! I remember thinking of those words promised and my heart was filled with so much gratitude!

Unfortunately,10 months later we found out the cancer had returned. My heart was shattered. I couldn't understand why this trial was asked of us yet again! Were we not faithful enough? What did we not learn that we needed to learn now? Why was this happening? I quickly requested my husband give Ali a priesthood blessing. Hoping I would receive the same confirmation that all would be well. But this was not the case. After the blessing was given, Jess talked to me privately telling me that he had a horrible feeling that Ali was not going to make it. He said he felt very strongly that she was very important to Heavenly Father and that He needed her home. I was crushed. And confused. I felt every emotion you could feel, but mostly denial. Later, I decided that as her mother, I had the right to feel if that feeling were true! So I asked...and I didn't get a straight answer. I only got the feeling of hope, so I clung to that feeling as tight as I could.

Ali began chemotherapy again. Her now beautifully grown out hair fell out once again. Watching her in pain was excruciating. Each night in the hospital I played church songs until we would both fall asleep. I needed to feel Him close and know that He was in every detail. Every night I would cry out to Him and every single night, He came. The spirit would fill our room like no other feeling in the world. Although our circumstances were not changed, I could feel Him there right beside us.

After a month, we learned that the chemotherapy was not working. The leukemia was aggressive and we needed to try something else. A little voice reminded me of the words my husband uttered just weeks before. "Nope," I would say to myself and I kept pushing on. We proceeded with a trial drug which ended up putting Ali into remission! "Yes! There is hope!" But a few months later, the trial drug stopped working and Ali needed more treatment. There was that little voice again. I begged Heavenly Father for more time. "Please, just give us more time...don't take her yet."

Next was a bone marrow transplant. This was what felt like an unattainable battle as we found out that out of a world wide registry, Ali had not 1 perfect match. How could we get through this? Is this what was going to take her home to heaven? We proceeded on with faith and with myself being her donor as a half match. Ali did great! Miracle after miracle was given. But then again, a few months later, the cancer was back. The doctors gave us another option of a trial out of state. We said yes and for 1.5 more years, the same pattern followed...remission, hope, relapse, heartbreak. Six relapses later, we knew her body could not endure anything more. We knew that we had done everything medically possible to help her but ultimately, what was felt in that blessing years ago was true. Ali is very important to Heavenly Father and He needs her home.

This has been extremely hard for me to prepare for. You see, Ali is my best little friend. She is kind, happy, thoughtful, caring, and has the sweetest smile I've ever seen. The only way I can cope with knowing that my little girl won't be here on this Earth with me for much longer is knowing that there is a bigger purpose.

Through these years of trials, I have SEARCHED for understanding and answers. With that searching, I have found my Savior. Every time. He is there. Holding my hand. Walking through these trenches with me.

As I prepared for this October General Conference, I was laying next to Ali's hospital bed. I prayed to Heavenly Father that I would feel the spirit and have peace about Ali. The very first talk was given by Elder Bednar. In his talk he spoke about a missionary who had suddenly died and spoke of what his parents had said at his funeral. "He forthrightly declared that he personally did not understand the reasons or timing for such an event. But I will always remember this good man declaring that he knew God knew the reasons and timing for the passing of his child- and that was good enough for him."

I will NEVER forget the feeling that came across me when I heard those words. For I feel the same way. I do not understand...but I know that HE knows and that is good enough for me. I trust Him with my whole heart. He has been good EVEN WHEN life is hard. He has been merciful EVEN WHEN life seems so unfair. He has been loving and understanding and has given me EVERYTHING I have asked for and more in so many ways. How could I not trust Him? He is my HOPE. He is what I cling to when I feel as though I cannot go on.

I bear my testimony to you that I know He lives. I know He is aware of us. He hears us!! I know that through the atonement, the restoration can work in my life as well and all things broken can be made whole again. You can have Hope in this life because of Him!

#iwanttobelikeali

#familiesareforever

"Is It Christmas Yet?"

 CHRISTMAS

11/27/2020

Ali was in and out of sleep. Her oxygen had dropped to the 70s. When she was awake, she was a little confused. That night she awoke and asked, “Mom, is it Christmas?” I didn’t know what to say so I initially said yes thinking it would make her happy but then she would forget and drift back to sleep. However, she did not go back asleep. When I replied, Yes, she then wanted to open her Christmas gifts! Since I had not done any shopping, we had None for her to open!! I quickly said, “Actually, it is Christmas Eve...Christmas is tomorrow morning!”

She then wanted to prepare. We set cookies out for Santa and Lyla wrote a note to him. She asked if I would get her her Christmas pajamas. After I dressed her, she wanted to paint her nails Christmas colors. We brought her into the kitchen where I painted her nails red, white, red, white. She could barely hold still for them to cure in time. They looked a little messy but she loved them. She was very weak and was drifting in and out of sleep through the whole thing. 

After she was tucked back into bed, I asked Caleb’s girlfriend, Kinsey, if she could help round up some gifts for Ali to open in the morning. I messaged my friend, Jill, to see if her husband could come by to play Santa. Our neighbor, Dave Wilding, asked if he could sing some carols in front of our house. 

11/28/2020

The next morning, Ali awoke and the first thing she asked was, “Mom, is it Christmas yet?” I was kneeling by her bed and happily replied, “Yes baby, It is Christmas!”

She smiled so big with her eyes closed and said ever so sweetly, “Yay!” She then opened her eyes, took her warm little hands, and placed them on my face. She pulled me in close to her, kissed me and said, “Thank you Mommy! I love you so much!!”

We carried her into the living room by the Christmas tree and let her open all the gifts that were wrapped for her. Every gift she got, she was so grateful for. I am not sure she even knew what she got, but it made her so happy. One gift was from Clark. He had wrapped up a little red bird. When she saw it, she snuggled it close and was so happy. She then worried about everyone else’s gifts. She felt badly they didn’t have any. We reassured her that they did and that they had opened them already because they were impatient with her sleeping so long!

After presents she went back to her bed to sleep. Her aunts and cousins arrived as well as Santa! Our neighbors from all over the street had gathered together to sing her favorite Christmas Carol in the front yard. We wrapped her up in a blanket and carried her to the porch. There she sat and watched as they all sang, Silent Night. It was so beautiful. She gave a little wave to all her friends and Daddy carried her back in so she could see Santa.

There in the living room, Santa sat on our big white chair and Ali was placed on his lap. She pet his beard and patted his bells. He asked her what she wanted. She softly mumbled as he rocked her back and forth. He told her how much she was loved and how special she was and that he knew she was such a good girl. She started to fall asleep in his arms as they snuggled. 

To see Ali so happy was one of the greatest gifts I could have been given. I loved watching her as she was so full of gratitude for every little thing that happened. It was a simple day, but was the most beautiful Christmas I've ever had. I think about the symbolism of that Christmas. How we all wonder and await our ultimate Christmas morning asking, "Is it Christmas yet?"

Soon

 

Ali passed away on the morning of November 29, 2020. So many tender mercies happened in the weeks before. I wanted to record them so I do not forget.

11/22/2020 - One week before her passing.

Ali was laying in her bed in her room listening to the song, 'Reaching Out' by Isabella Hickson, over and over and over. I heard her crying so I went into her room to see what was wrong. It was frequent that she would be in pain so I worried that was the case. I asked, “Ali, are you ok?”

She nodded through her tears, “Yes, I just feel the spirit.”

I quickly gave her a hug and told her how wonderful that is. How I’m so happy she is able to feel that comfort. She said, “Mommy, Jesus told me He is coming to get me soon.”

After I loved on her and comforted her the best I could, she came into our room and asked if it would be ok to give the kids their Christmas presents she had made for them since she was worried He was coming to get her that night!

We gathered in my room and one by one she gave them the bears she made for them and had them play the recordings she had recorded telling each sibling what she loved about them. 

She told everyone how much she loved her family and how she hoped they wouldn’t forget her! We all reassured her that it would be impossible to forget her. We all told her how much she meant to us.

She then cuddled with us in bed. She refused for me to leave her side. She clung to me and wouldn’t let go, even to go potty. She really believed He was coming That Night for her and didn’t want to be alone for even one second. We both talked about how we wish we could go to heaven together. I told her story after story of memories I have of her. From the time she was a baby and pooped on Uncle Ross to all the many things I adore about her. She laughed and felt so good. She said, “Thank you Mommy for helping me feel better.”

We ended the night watching Julie and the Phantoms. One of the many things I love about Ali is how much she loves love. As we watched the show, she called dibs on Luke and we giggled and swooned as the romantic parts came on. 

Looking back at this day, I find it merciful that He would prepare her by telling her she would be coming Home soon. As I have reflected on this event, I have pondered a lot on what His timing means. This event occurred one week before she passed. She had felt when He told her that He would be coming soon, that it would be that night. She was certain. But He didn't come for another week. So what does "Soon" mean?