Learning to Swim

I first have to say that I have always loved to be close to the Lord. But since Ali is now with Him, I have developed an even deeper relationship with Him. When I feel close to God, I feel Heaven and when I feel Heaven, I feel her. 

So I do everything in my power to build that relationship. I study, I pray, I listen to uplifting music, etc. Anything that will help me grow closer to the Savior. 

But this last week, I have been extremely sad. I cried every day and I couldn't shake it. I missed Ali more than usual and no matter how often I prayed or read my scriptures, nothing seemed to make it better. It was so frustrating. 

I woke up this morning and I was reminded to think about what I dreamt. I realized it was about Ali! I don't remember what exactly the dream was about but I saw her and it felt amazing!

I got out of bed, turned on music and started getting ready for church. I put my Playlist on shuffle and the first song that came on was, 'Reaching Out', by Isabella Hickson. This song always makes me think of Ali. I felt so close to her in that moment. Like she was visiting me.

I LIVE for those moments. Just little nudges from her letting me know she hasn't really left me. I have been NEEDING to feel just a little bit of that feeling lately. I have missed her so much and this morning filled my soul for just a second. A sweet second of relief. Finally!

As I was listening to the song, I started praying to Heavenly Father. I thanked Him for letting me feel Ali close and then, as if He needed the reminder, I told Him that I HAVE been reaching out for Him, but lately I have felt silence. Disconnected in a way that has made me feel frustrated. I asked Him why, when all I want to feel is that Spiritual upliftment, do I feel silence? Why does this happen?

I then had the picture pop in my mind, of Ali swimming when she was little. Being a lifeguard in my youth, I taught all the kids to swim. My mind could picture her right there in the pool with me. She was my most scared child. She loved the water but enjoyed having me hold her as we swam around together. She never wanted to let go. But she needed to learn to swim!

I would sit her on the steps and have her swim to me. As she swam, I would take a few steps back until eventually, she had swam across the pool. She did it!! 

As I was thinking of that memory, I pictured her arms stretched out Reaching for me. That is me. Reaching out my arms as far as I can stretch them, yet swimming on my own. 

But wait. I don't want that. I want to be in my Savior's arms while I kick my feet with Him holding me, swimming together. Always connected, always spiritually uplifted, always safe.

But that is not why we are here. We are Spiritual beings having a Mortal experience. Here to learn, grow and experience life. Not to have Him hold us the whole time we are here. When we need Him, He is right there to pick us up from the water, but there are times where we need to do the strokes on our own. 

I've realized that the silence I have felt lately has not meant He has left me. Instead, perhaps the silence has been the Lord teaching me to swim.