But what if???

I saw Ali's picture on a flyer tonight.

It wasn't this picture. 

Not a cute smiling Ali with pink hair carrying her chemo in a backpack as it infuses 24/7.

It was a picture of her in the hospital. When she was so so sick. A picture of my daughter struggling to just live.

The flyer with her picture was meant to bring awareness and help to others.

But seeing it made my heart pound and my stomach just ache.

It is hard for me to think about all the hard we went through. The reality of life and the trauma we endured.

So I shove the thoughts aside as quickly as they come. As if it never happened.

But the truth is, it DID happen. 

It was traumatizing, horrible and so so hard.

As I let myself think about it, I think about how unfair it was that this all happened. Leukemia was supposed to be the "easy" kind as we were reminded by so many time and time again. The cure rate is over 80%. So much hope was given that all would be well and this was just something we had to get through.

But that wasn't the case. It was hard and horrible with an even harder ending. 

When I let these thoughts enter, I then think about how 'if there were a cure', or 'if there was better funding'... these thoughts spiral to a helpless, frustrated end.

But the truth is, IF Ali was suppose to get better, she would have. 

Thought change.

I've heard several times that 'If God was a loving God, then He wouldn't have taken my baby.' Or 'There is no God because my child wasn't healed.'

But what if…there is more to the puzzle?

What if we DO come to Earth for a purpose? 

What if we DID know our hardships before we came to Earth and we still chose to come? 

What if God is STILL good even when the trial isn't taken away? 

These are my thoughts. My convictions. My beliefs. 

Every time I start to feel sorry for the story that unfolded, there is always a 'But' that comes. And then I CHOOSE to Believe and Trust there is more than just a sad ending. With the thought...but what if. ❤