Where do I turn for Peace?

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month and I know that I will see many pictures from people sharing Ali's story. And although it brings up painful memories, I am trying to do all I can to do my part as well. This month I have been mustering up the courage to talk about what we've gone through and the importance of this Awareness. 

But with this preparation, I find myself caught in emotions of reliving the trauma. 

When I get those anxious feelings, I turn to the One who brings me peace. And that is Jesus Christ. 

With that, I know there are many who can't understand my reasons for loving someone who didn't heal my daughter in this life.

You could easily be angry and feel betrayed. And honestly, there have been times in my life where I have thought, "Why God? My heart is so broken. Is this what you really want for me?"

Those are all valid feelings and questions. The hurt is real. Someone whom you claim to worship, love and proclaim, has turned His back on you. You aren't just sinking in the water, you are sunk. 

I have been there. Many Many times. But with every single time, there is a but then...

And with that, I'd love to explain my faith and my trust in Him. 

When Ali first got cancer, I was scared. But I had this overwhelming confidence that she would be just fine. And she was. Two and a half years later, she rang the no more chemo bell and my heart rejoiced. We climbed our mountain and all was well. 

And then 10 months later, she relapsed. The cancer had come back.

I remember being so upset with God. For 3 days I did not pray. Instead, my thoughts were...How could He do this to us? How could He let this happen? Were our trials not enough? Why do we keep getting punched down over and over again? Why, when we were trying so hard to do everything right, did this happen? Where are OUR blessings?

All of these questions spiraled through my mind and then I decided I needed to know. 

Do I believe we have a loving God? If so, what is His will and why?

For the next year and a half, I did everything I could to find my answer. And as I sought Him, He revealed His arm stretched out in miracle upon miracle. Tender mercy upon tender mercy. Step upon step. He showed me that He was there. That He was aware. That He had a plan. And that He loved Me.

There are SO many experiences I could share with you that made His love undeniable. All of these experiences which led me to Know Him. To Trust Him. 

Sometimes, when life feels too much, the thoughts still creep in of, "Why God?"...and that is ok. Those questions and feelings are still valid and real...but then...I remember that I'm praying to a God I know and a God I trust. ❤

#iwanttobelikeali

#familiesareforever