Lost

It has been a little over two months since I have held my beautiful girl in my arms, kissed her sweet cheeks and heard her say, “I love you Mommy”. 

Losing Ali put a gaping hole in my heart making it hard to breathe at times. Each day feels like a fight to survive. Every breath I take without her feels foreign. I have walked many hard roads, but this road is new. And hard. So hard. 

Many thoughts have me wondering, Where do I go from here? What makes me happy? What gives me purpose? How do I navigate relationships, friendships, my life? My whole existence revolved around Ali and the world of cancer. Now that she is in heaven and I am here, where does that leave me? I feel lost.

A few years ago Ali was admitted to the hospital to receive another round of chemotherapy. I was laying on the uncomfortable blue couch that folded into a bed. Ali was hooked up to her IV pole in order for the chemotherapy to be administered. I watched as the poison they used to kill the cancer slowly dripped into her perfect little body. I couldn’t sleep as my mind would wander and worry. It seemed as though every time my eyes would finally close, the IV pole would start beeping the loud piercing beep, only to remind me of our circumstances. 

One of the things Ali and I loved to do to lift our spirits is listen to church songs. From birth, I had always sang my girls the song, ‘Walk Tall, You’re a Daughter of God’. It was a song that I had learned as a youth. One that had made me feel closer to the Lord and one I wanted to teach my own children so they would know their worth. 

That night, Ali played that song on her tablet. We sang together the first and second verse as we cuddled each other in her hospital bed. 

‘Right now I have a prayer deep within my heart.

A prayer for each of you there is a special part.

That you remember who you are and Him who lives above.

Please seek for Him and live His way;

You’ll feel His love.

 

Chorus

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.

Be strong please remember who you are.

Try to understand,

You’re part of His great plan.

He’s closer than you know

Reach up, he’ll take your hand.

 

Long before the time you can remember,

Our Father held you in His arms so tender,

Those loving arms released you as He sent you down to earth.

He said, “My child, I love you.  Don’t forget your great worth”’

Then the third verse played. 

‘This life on earth we knew would not be easy.

At times we lose our way

His path we may not see.

But please remember always- please-that you are not alone.

He’ll take your hand.

He loves you!

He will guide you home’

As the third verse played, I pictured being in a swampy forest, lost on a path I did not know. I was lost. This was not what I pictured for my life and especially not for my daughter’s life. As those words were sung, I knew that although I felt lost on a road I did not want to be on, there was one who knew exactly where I was. It was Him who I could trust to direct my path. He was my compass who would lead me to safe ground.

Now I find myself on a road that is just as mucky. My swampy forest is now a rocky touraine. My feet are bloody from the rocks I have stumbled over. I am wounded and I feel lost once again. I don’t know how to move forward or where to go. But just as before, I will trust those words that spoke so warmly to my heart. 

‘Please remember always- please-that you are not alone.

He’ll take your hand.

He loves you!

He will guide you home’