Becoming a blended family!

Over two years have passed since Jess and I got married. I was thinking about how my life has changed and the things we have all gone through. This post is mainly about my story in becoming blended!

Before I met Jess I was a single mom of 3 working days and going to school at night. I owned my own home and felt that I had done a pretty good job taking care of myself and my 3 babies. However, I felt lonely and incomplete. I longed for my family to be "whole". For my children to have a father and for me to have a husband to share the responsibilities and joys of life with. Even though I had many people around me at church and work, I didn't have very many friends because I was put in the category of "single mom". I was 25 years old...too young to hang out with some and too old to hang out with others. I was too busy to get together for play dates and I didn't have a significant other to get together for couples night. I struggled with finding boyfriends who just weren't right for me. Being 25 is young enough to date and explore relationships but not when you have 3 kids who look up to you, watching everything you do as you strive to do right by them.

I remember just praying with all my heart a Good man would come into my life. Jess was an answer to my prayers!! We were so in love and caught up in the fact that we finally had found each other that the reality of what would soon be our lives hadn't really sunk in...at least for me!

I sold my house and moved all of my things to Jess' home in Brigham City, Utah!! Brigham City...! A small little town is a huge change from a big city! It was a huge adjustment at first...having no store other than Walmart and only 3 restaurants to choose from. Oh how I love it now and am grateful to call it home! It was hard at first though. Jess started with a company that kept him until super late at night making this new blended family fall mainly on my shoulders. Being a working single mom, my mother had helped me a ton with my 3 kids so I hadn't really realized what it would be like taking on 6!

Jess' home was very nice for him and his 3 boys, but adding a wife and 3 more kids made it feel like we lived on top of each other. We converted the basement family room into our master bedroom and for a while, we had no door to our room!! Oh how grateful I am for doors! You don't realize the beauty in things until you don't have it! Even with a door however, you could hear the daily screams, whines and arguments of the boys as their rooms were right next to ours. When they would wake up, the floor would pound as they raced up the stairs...never a chance to sleep past 6:30am for us!

Our sweet, beautiful, squishy house (=

 

 

 

All the children had their little quirks...Little Ali was only 2 and was still being potty trained.... Clark was still wetting the bed at night.... Aj, although was 5, would rub his poop on the bathroom floor and walls.... Ryan who was 8, would poop his pants and hide the poop under my bed.... Lets just say, I have dealt with poop way more than I'd ever like to in a lifetime!

Meals were a chore because I felt as though I would spend forever cooking, then in seconds everyone would eat. I would spend forever on dishes and then it would be time to cook for the next meal...and repeat! I learned quick on that one. We now eat off paper plates and the children take turns doing the dishes!

We bought a bigger table as well!

School is still a never ending chore. When we were first married, I would take the 3 oldest to school, then have the 3 youngest at home for a couple hours, then take Aj to afternoon kindergarten, then 2 hours later pick all of them up! Two hour intervals in between pick up and drop off does not give you much time to get anything done. Because we lived so close to the elementary school, I would sometimes give myself 15 minutes more of peace and quiet and allow them to walk home instead of me picking them up. This however was not always a good decision since I was informed by one of my dear neighbors that on the way home, my boys would stop in front of her house and pee on her trees in front of her home!! Oh the stories I could tell!! lol

Bedtime is a reward for me! We say prayers and put the kids to bed at 8...they usually are asleep by 9 and I have about 2 hours to myself before I fall asleep and start the day all over! Two years later I feel that I have a slight grip on parenting 6 kids. We have moved into a bigger home and the kids and I have gotten into the swing of a schedule. All 8 of us come from a past. We have all had to deal with things that people should never have to deal with and those things have left scars that we are all trying to work through. Unfortunately the "baggage" in our life still causes a lot of problems and life is not always easy. At the end of the day, I am so grateful for my family! I am so grateful that I am blessed to be a stay at home mom. When I would go to work, I felt like I was missing out on so much with my kids! I love that I can be there for them now! I am grateful that I have a husband that I can share my woes with, who I can laugh and cry at life with. When I look back on my life, I can see that the Lord does knows me and does everything in His timing. I can only imagine how hard it would be to be dealing with leukemia with Ali by myself. It was only 6 months after our year anniversary that she was diagnosed. Life has definitely thrown us a lot these last 2 years but I am so grateful for the good that has come from it.

8 little blessings!

I love my beautiful children!

Along we chug...

This last month, Ali has been great! Despite counts being low and having to have a blood transfusion last week, her health has remained firm! She has had normal amounts of energy and spunk! She has developed what they call "chemo skin" around her ears, neck and head. At first I had thought it was dirt behind her ears and I was scrubbing and scrubbing to get it off!! When I took her into see her oncologist, they told me it is not dirt, it is chemo skin! I guess the chemo seaps through her skin as she sweats and changes her skin color. They said it's normal and will start to wear off when she is done w treatment. So weird! All these new things I am finding out happen that I had no clue about!

You can kind of see her chemo skin behind her ear

I thought that losing her hair this last month would really effect her, but it hasn't! Before she lost it, she was pretty determined to keep it even when it was really thin and was starting to look bad. When she was ready to shave it, she told me, "ok mom...I'm ready now." That was probably one of the hardest moments for me. Even though her hair had been falling out gradually the last 7 months, seeing your daughter's head get shaved is one of the most heart wrenching experiences!! The doctor's told us that when it does finally grow back, it may be a different color or texture. Ali has it in her head that she would like to have white hair when it grows back! She has a tiny little bit of peach fuzz right now and when anyone points it out she gasps excitedly and says, "is it white?!?" haha...let's cross our fingers on that one!!

Monday we celebrated her 5th birthday!!! We had a party for her this last Saturday where all her family and friends came to wish her well! It was lots of fun despite the weather! I had planned a bounce house for the kids but a few hours before the party, a storm decided to roll in! We had to bring the party inside. It all worked out fine though!

 Ali had a doctor appointment where she received a blood transfusion and chemo a few days before her birthday. She loves going to her appointments and seeing all her nurses. She decided she wanted to celebrate with them as well so we brought a cake in and everyone sang her happy birthday. It made her day!!

 Ali opening her presents with her siblings first thing in the morning! One of the things I love most about my kids is how loving they are! They all made Ali their own card. Some attached a dollar to it, others taped a pokemon card to it or other small gifts that mean a lot to them and some colored beautiful pictures! I love the thought and love they put in to make others feel special.

I still can't believe my youngest baby is 5!! I remember finding out I was pregnant with her. It was one of the hardest times in my life that I was going through and all of a sudden, this little baby girl decides to make her appearance! Do you ever think that angels come down to help you in your life? I do...her name is Ali! She has been my strength and my happiness...my smile throughout my day!

My little angel!!

Ever since she was diagnosed, I have been trying to make sense of everything. A lot of people would think, why me? Why my little girl?? When she was diagnosed, a part of me understood. I would NEVER wish cancer on anyone or wish anyone to have to go through this pain...but a small part of me understands this trial. I believe that this life was given to us so that we may be tested so that we may become better people. To me, Ali is perfect...she doesn't need to be tested because she already has a million A+'s!! Even though it is Ali's body that has to endure this trial, I feel that this trial was given to me...to test me, to teach me...to help me become better. I remember when the doctor's came in and told us she had leukemia. It was 5am...we had been in the hospital room for what seemed like forever. My eyes were burning from all the tears I had cried. My body was aching from exhaustion. However, through all the tears and pain, I could feel my Heavenly Father telling me that everything would be ok! It was one of the strongest times where I truly felt like heavenly angels were surrounding me and helping me through those moments. I am grateful for that feeling because it truly has helped me when I'm feeling defeated.

Today Ali's nurse comes to draw her blood and check her counts. As long as her counts are high enough, we will head down to primarys hospital by 8 am for more chemo and also a lumbar puncture. Those days are not fun. They are long and Ali has to fast before she gets put under. I hate seeing her get put under. I don't think I will ever get use to it. So along we chug...I am grateful for good days, my many blessings and all the love and support that is shown to my family!

Once Reality Sunk In...

It has been about 7 months since we were diagnosed. It's crazy to me to think how little time 7 months sounds because in my world, it seems like a lifetime! I guess it is because it is a merry-go-round that you can't get off of (and not a fun one)...just going round and round, your life constantly consumed with worry.

After diagnosis we spent 2 weeks in the hospital in the ICS unit of Primary Children's. Before they released us, they gave us a small tour of the unit and of where we would be receiving her treatment. I remember as we walked down the hall, I felt as though I was being "sentenced" to a road I did not want to go down! The clinic is cold and gave me a chill that I'll never forget. They took us down the hall of the clinic to get to the infusion chairs. As I saw all the little bald heads and all the kids with tubes hooked up to them my heart just pounded. How could this happen? My little girl would now be going through this! That is when reality really started to sink in. This was now my life and there was nothing I could do about it! 

Since then we have had chemo treatments at least once a week at primary's. When the kids were in school it was a lot easier to juggle appointments. I would drop the 5 other kids off at school and then drive Ali straight to her appointment (a hour and 20 minute drive). We would spend mostly all day there and if I was lucky, I would be able to drive home just in time to pick the kids up from school and start the joys of homework, activities, chores, etc with the other kids. Once summer hit it was a whole different ball game. I had all 6 kids home with me all day everyday. At that phase of treatment, we would have to stay at primary's hospital for 4 days at a time, staying there overnight. We were very blessed to have Jess' work be so flexible in letting him take time off to help take care of the kids, but it was also a huge financial burden since no work meant no pay! Luckily we made it through. Now, school is in session again so I am back to the routine of dropping the kids off before her appointments.

Ali's attitude has remained so positive through this whole life change! She absolutely loves her nurses! She refers to them as her friends! She looks forward to seeing them and giving them all hugs. She definitely screams and cries through all her pokes and procedures but after she calms down, she is off to playing again! One of the things I am most proud of her about is how compassionate she is towards others. When we are at her appointments she sees other children there crying. She goes up to their parents and asks their parents if it would be ok for her to give them a hug! She just amazes me!!

I wish I could say I was as strong as Ali! I wish I could say that I took life as she does! I do try every day to be a good example but some days, it seems as though I do feel I'm on overload. You would think it would be enough to just have cancer as your trial...that we have enough on our plate, but that is just not reality. Life still goes on...there are still 6 kids to raise, hoping and praying you are doing your best to rear them, tending to your spouse, blended family adjustments, ex-spouse problems (bleh! an unnecessary and frustrating trial this one is might I add), financial worry, grocery shopping, house work and laundry, laundry, laundry!

On a positive note, we have been so very blessed amidst all our trials. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband. He has been there every second when Ali has had even one tear. I am so very blessed to have all of my family and friends in my life! We have met so many amazing people. So many other strong families going through the same thing as us. I guess the biggest thing I would take from all of this is to really count your blessings. I have learned to appreciate things so much more and try to be thankful in all I do.

 

My Silly Girl! Taking selfies of herself...she thinks she is hilarious!

 

 

Silly girl again as she proudly shows off a project she made!

 

 

The day we donated Ali's hair. She was very happy to know she was giving it to another little girl who needed it!

 

 

My beautiful family!!!

 

 

 

The diagnosis

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a lot of thought, I have decided to start a blog about everything we have gone through with Ali. I think it will help to write things down and get my feelings out in some way. Where do I start?? I have never blogged before so I guess I'll start from the beginning.                   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Late January, Ali had gotten really sick with a really bad cold/flu. The doctors told us she had croup. It was a nasty bug that lasted about 2 weeks. Then Ali got better. She started eating again and playing like her old self. Then about a week later, she started showing symptoms of being sick again. This time, she would sleep all throughout the day.

I thought that she would sleep because she was trying to get out of cleaning her room!!

 

 

 

She complained of leg pain and was very pale with dark circles under her eyes. My husband and I thought she caught another strand of the flu! We brushed off her leg pain as body aches from flu like symptoms.

Ali's dance teacher had said that Ali did not want to dance because her leg was hurting. I remember scolding Ali after dance practice telling her that I wasn't going to pay for her to do dance if she was just going to sit in the corner! Now looking back I feel just awful.

 

I told my mom about Ali not being well. Later that day, my mom called me and told me she had a really strong feeling that I needed to call the doctor and get Ali's blood work done. She told me not to brush it off...I needed to take her in. After the conversation with my mom, I called the doctor and made an appointment for Ali for the following week. A day or so later, Ali complained of severe leg pain. She refused to walk! It was so bad that we called the doctor back and explained her symptoms. He told us to go to Brigham City ER to have her examined. There, the doctors thought she may have a hip infection. That thought was so scary. From what I researched as I waited, hip infections could put you in the hospital for 2 weeks! They took her in for xrays and then took her blood. When the blood tests came back, they told us they thought she may have leukemia. My heart sunk. I looked at my daughter, then sleeping with her teddy bear in her arms, and just broke down. Within the hour, Ali was taken to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City where they did more blood work and confirmed her diagnosis of high risk b-cell ALL (Acute lymphoblastic leukemia).

These pictures are at the Brigham City ER awaiting her blood results. Looking at these pictures, you can see the dark circles under her eyes. She looks so pale and sick. It still haunts me that it took me so long to see it.