We found out Ali's cancer had come back on April 11, 2018 at her 10 month check up. When Dr. Barnette called, my heart sunk, it was hard to breathe and I couldn't hold back the tears. Leading up to her check up, Ali came down with an extremely high fever of 104.5 that lasted for 4 days accompanied by a headache. I was a mess those 4 days. My first thought was that she had relapsed. Each month she would go in for labs, I would get nervous. Everyone had told me to not worry so much and just think of her as a normal kid. That she was fine now and I just needed to calm down. No. A mother's intuition is always on the mark. I knew I needed to worry for some reason or another and now, here we are.
It has been almost 2 months since then. We finished our first block of the re-induction phase which required us to spend over 30 days in the hospital. Holy moly was that HARD!! I felt like I lost a year of my life in just 30 days. I would spend all week with Ali and Jess would spend the weekends. Jess and I saw each other for a total of 1 hour in between passing's each week. I would come home, exhausted physically and emotionally yet have to pretend and utilize every moment with the other kids while I was home. I had 8 loads of laundry, vacuuming, dusting, bathrooms, dishes, yard work, etc all waiting for me to do as well each weekend. I don't know what was harder, coming home or being at the hospital. Thank goodness the ward had brought in meals. That was the Best blessing to not have to cook!
Each night I would try to hurry and go to sleep before my thoughts took over. Unfortunately many nights I was stuck with my thoughts and couldn't stop crying. The pain of feeling like my Heavenly Father had forsaken me was like no other. I didn't understand why once again, I was doing all things asked of me and trying to do all things right, yet being punished so cruelly. I didn't/couldn't pray for 3 days after being admitted. I was so angry, yet I needed His comfort and reassurity so badly. I wanted Him to tell me He was there, yet I felt so mad if He were to tell me He was there, since all I wanted Him to do is fix it! When I finally did let myself pray, the first thing that popped in my mind was the song, "Be what I Believe". The girls and I listen to this song over and over so I know the words well.
The chorus says, "I'll have faith like brother Joseph and the strength of the pioneers.
I'll be brave as a strippling warrior and like Nephi persevere.
I will spread God's love to all I know and serve.
I will plead with my Father on my knees: I will be what I believe."
This song gave me strength. It helped me push on. Another thought that entered my mind was a paragraph from my patriachal blessing. It says, "The trials and tribulations that befall mankind, and the sicknesses thereof, shall all work together for your good and gain." I had read that paragraph probably a million times throughout my life. I never knew what "Sicknesses thereof" meant until now. This gave me so much comfort to know that Heavenly Father was aware of me. He has not forsaken me. He has a plan for me! I received this blessing when I was 17 years old. 6 years before Ali was even born. Years ago when we first got our inital diagnosis, the first thought that poped into my mind was that Ali knew her what her trials would be before she came to Earth and accepted them gladly. Obviously, I knew of them as well. I wish I could have a crystal ball or see the whole picture of life, but I can't. Instead, I must have faith. I must be brave and endure. However, most days, this feels like the impossible.
After a month of the induction phase, we were sent home. The whole ward, friends and family, people from all over the country fasted and prayed that Ali would go into remission and not need a bone marrow transplant. It was amazing. I am overwhelmed with how much love and support our family has. Everyone loves Ali. To know her, is to love her. Unfortunately, after 2 weeks of waiting, we found out that Ali did not go into remission. She will need a transplant. This news has been such a blow. I had been in such denial and had so much hope that she would be fine and just need the 2 years of chemo treatment. I'm anticipating this to be such a hard hard road that I can barely breathe thinking about it. She will need intense chemo to get her in remission before she can even have the transplant. The same chemo that she is allergic to! There have been many who have struggled getting into remission. This is our first battle. Then if we reach this victory, we go for transplant which has it's own set of horrible fears. Graft Vs. Host disease is awful. It is were your body tries to attack the foreign transplant. Then if you finally have that conquered, you have to worry about any sort of complications. The oncologist was very clear that sometimes people say to him, "Well, we got rid of the cancer, but this is almost worse". Oh, did I mention the worst part? You only have a 50% survival rate. That is literally a flip of a coin.
To say I am not emotionally well is an understatement. I feel so emotionally drained and depressed. I feel guilty because I have 5 other kids counting on me. I am trying my best to give anything I have left to them. To cherish them and have them know I am here. I'm trying my best to not let it show that all I do is think about my daughter and what she faces ahead. To be in the moment is pretty hard but I am trying. My poor husband holds a lot in. He sees me crumble and does his best to be there for me even though he is crumbling as well.
I am hoping that if we do take one day at a time, we will finally look back and say that we made it! Until then, I pray to be like Ali. She is happy and good through and through. I pray for strength and comfort to endure each day and enjoy each blessing and happy moment.
